Hehehe...

OMG, I'm so proud of my young self. As I'm reading through my old diary, even when I was as young as 10, there are NO spelling or grammar mistakes. My god, I'm a dork.

Okay, seriously? Here's an excerpt from October 7, 1991 [current thoughts, anecdotes and painful realizations from myself now to my self then in brackets]:

"Today was my last day at riding [lessons] (for awhile anyway). I'm really gonna miss Tenny [Ten-Spot, the horse I always rode]. I don't know when I'll be going back. Mom and Dad say I have to prove to them I'm more responsible and then I'll get riding back."

Seriously? I honestly don't know many kids who were more responsible than I was. WTF? The only thing I can think of is that I didn't make my bed or clean up my room like my mom wanted me to, but compared with some of the kids I teach every day, I was a frickin' saint. (I did get riding lessons back eventually.)

This one breaks my heart. And really embarrasses me, because it's the 19th entry in my diary, and the 10th entry about boys. I didn't think I was really that boy-crazy...

"12-13-91
Dear Diary,
Hi again! I'm back at riding. Turns out Andy didn't know a thing about the Nick thing [I have no idea what this means.].

But anyway, I don't really care. Nick is cute. So is Troy. So Is Charlie. But you want to know who is more adorable than any of the rest of them? RYAN. Yup. He hates me though. Actually, I don't think he hates me. He's just mad that I told everyone that I liked him. But, anyway, I don't stand a chance against Ellen and Stephanie. But, actually, I think the one I have to worry about most is Stephanie. Even Ellen is JEALOUS. Ryan's even talking about asking Stephanie out. [Who the hell is this Stephanie chick?]

You know, I'm thinking about giving up on boys. I'm not gonna have a boyfriend until I'm 32, anyway. Unless one pities me. [Ouch. Yeah, that pretty much reflects my self concept from elementary school on.]

I'm just sick of getting my heart broken. (I'm being too dramatic, aren't I?) But first it was Matt, then Jeremy, then Charlie, Troy, and now, Ryan. He DID like me, he admitted it. Matt was my boyfriend. He left for Sunset [Elementary School. This was in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.].

Jeremy was my boyfriend. He dumped me. (Well, he didn't tell me he didn't want to be friends w/ me anymore, he just wasn't.) Charlie, now I know he liked me. It showed. [Poor guy. I don't know what he did to deserve what he got later...]

And then he became the most popular kid in school. Then I wasn't good enough for him. [...the fact that you're a neurotic over-analytical stalker psycho didn't have ANYTHING to do with it, did it, Marce?]

Troy liked (likes) me. I know it. I would have a boyfriend right now if my ?friends? hadn't hounded him. I know he likes me though. [Do you? Do you REALLY? 'Cause it sounds like you're rationalizing, honey...]

Well, so far, Troy's the only one I have any kind of chance with. Matt moved, Jeremy hates me (maybe, I'm not sure), Charlie's too popular, and Ryan likes Stephanie. Lord, why do you do things like this to me? [Holy crap, I talked to God. When did I start talking to God?] Don't you think I've had enough? 4 broken hearts since 2nd grade? [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Whew...sorry...*wipes away a tear*...nope, here it comes again...HAHAHAHAHAHA]

I DON'T think I deserve this. Do me a favor please. Give Troy the courage to ask me out. [Wow, I'm still talking to God. Seriously?] That would be great. I really like him, but I don't know if he knows. If he did, I think he might ask me out. I need this, Lord. It would really help my self-esteem. At least I'd know somebody likes me. I'd really appreciate it."

All joking aside, it is really sad that so much of my own self-concept was tied up in the acceptance of boys. But damn, this is funny, looking back through the lens of experience. And it scares the crap out of me, because one day my little girl is going to start thinking like this. Or if not as neurotic and clingy, then at least being interested in boys. Whoopeeee...I can't wait. :-S

More later!