Mmmmmm...

Justin Hartley.

Tom Welling.

Can you see why I watch Smallville?;-)

I couldn't resist

Here's Alex looking all cute in his Twitch shirt that my mom bought for him last night.



And here's some actual pics of me - I'm always the one with the camera so I don't have many pics of me. My kids are definitely cuter than I am - but I can see a resemblance, can't you? ;-)

SYTYCD

Why is it that when I read that I always think "STD"? It's really an unfortunate acronym.

Went to the So You Think You Can Dance tour show tonight. It was AWESOME. I have NEVER been one for getting all googly-eyed or screamy over celebrities or boy bands or whatever, but man, I'm a sucker for a hot dancer's body. I have watched every single episode of this show and I've been to the tour show two years in a row now (I missed the first year 'cause no one else but me watched the show and I didn't think I could get anyone to go with me).

This is my favorite dancer from the show, Stephen "Twitch" Boss. He came in second, but he'll always be first in my heart. *sighs*

I love to dance. I always have. There's something about music and movement that just speaks to me. (You'd never guess it to look at me, but there ya go.) When Alex was born, I spent many hours dancing around my living room with him in my arms. I don't have as much time for that with Emma, but I still manage it once in awhile.

The really cool thing? Alex LOVES to dance. I have him enrolled in a dance class at his preschool. He's the only boy in the class. All warnings of future "gay-ness" aside, the kid knows how to MOVE and he shakes his booty whenever music comes on. I love that he and I share this, since we don't share much else.

I'm hoping that he's interested in keeping it up. It's great for teaching body control and flexibility, and it will help him if he ever decides to play sports. And I hope he can get past the fact that everyone seems to think it's an effeminate thing to do - 'cause, damn, what other athletic activity will he get to do with a bunch of girls? A bunch of FLEXIBLE girls, at that. (He's either going to love me for it or really hate me one day.)

Anyway, I hope one day that I have a daughter AND a son who love to dance as much as I do. And one day I hope I can share my twitterpated-ness over the show with them. My friend Laura got to bring her daughter, Elise, tonight, and they were both so cute (Elise was adorable when she chanted "Courtney Galliano!").

This is Alex at his first dance recital. I dare you to look at him and not be bowled over with cuteness. Seriously.

Busy signals

Can you tell I've been busy? No posts since Sunday. And even this one gets to be short.

Today I found out that I'll be the 4/5 split teacher for the remainder of the year. Actually, I kind of volunteered. It will look great on my resume and I've been looking for something to get me out of my rut. This will definitely be a challenge, but I'm looking forward to it.

Nursing is going great. I'm finally relaxing about it - the supplements helped to up my supply so Emma is nursing less frantically now and is happier when she's done. She's reaching for toys and such now and loves her taggie blanket.


Tonight we took Alex back to Odyssey 1 for his actual birthday and to pizza for dinner. He loved it, of course. I played the game that I know gives you lots of tickets, and won him 700 something tickets, so he had a blast picking stuff out at the treasure counter.


I'm off to exercise and finally relax. Evenings are so crazy now - I have to be out of the house before 6:15 in the mornings so I have to get everything ready before I collapse on the couch to watch tv or just collapse in bed. Thank god Scott is so helpful or I would go nuts.

That's all for now!

I take it back.

This morning Alex woke up at 7:30 and STAYED IN HIS ROOM. For TWO HOURS. Holy crap. And he actually PLAYED WITH HIS TOYS that whole time. All that stuff I said about toys and gifts? I take it back. 'Cause I got to sleep an extra two hours. Holy crap.

Now, by virtue of the fact that I'm posting this, will that jinx it so it'll never happen again?

Ugh. *snort* sniffle...

Alex had his 4th birthday party today. It went really well - he had 8 of his friends there and lots of our friends and family came too. The party was at Odyssey 1, a place similar to Chuck-E-Cheez but nowhere near as loud or busy. It was fun and easy and I think we'll do the same thing next year - all I had to do was bake the cake and show up. Alex got 3 hours to play on the climbing toys, eat pizza and cake, play some more, and earn tickets and prizes with the games. He loved it - I think all the kids did.


Honestly? I'm not a fan of kid birthdays. It's not the party or the get-togethers that bother me (although today was a little awkward with the couple of parents who showed up that I didn't know beforehand. I'm not the best conversationalist.). There are two main reasons - the gifts and the gifts. (I know, that sounds like one, but hang on, I'm getting there).

The first gift-related reason is the whole idea of giving gifts on a birthday. Alex's first question when I told him about his birthday party a few months back was, "What presents are my friends buying me?" To which I promptly had a discussion with him about being thankful for what we are given, we don't expect presents, blah blah blah. I refuse to raise an entitled child, but the whole idea of birthday gifts kind of kicks me in the butt. Again, we are always thankful for what we are given - my point is we should never EXPECT it.
The other reason is the toys. Like all kids, Alex is truly only interested in a toy for a total of about 5 minutes. Then it goes in some place in his room (and later, storage) taking up space. He's not the type of kid who develops attachments to things, so even if he really likes something, it will only last 10 minutes instead of 5. Scott and Alex are out in the living room now, and they have spent the last hour unpackaging toys that will be played with for less time than that.

Again, we are thankful for what we are given and greatly appreciate the time and effort people put into choosing and buying a gift. I just wish there were a way to respectfully ask people not to bring gifts (there's always that Catch-22 - if you say, "Please, no gifts" on the invite, you're saying you expected them in the first place), or to donate the money they would have spent to a charity of their choice. It would help me teach my son an important lesson as well as putting their money to better use. However, huge props have to go to the inlaws and my parents this birthday - MIL gave Alex a bag full of brand new, very nice clothes, and my parents are getting him Tae Kwon Do lessons. THOSE are gifts I can appreciate, that are guaranteed to get used and enjoyed and are worth the money.

One reason I do love birthdays is the cake. I bake a different cake each year, it's kind of my tradition at this point. His first birthday I did a clownfish cake.

His second birthday I did an Elmo cake. The cake itself kind of sucked because it broke in the process of decorating, but the Elmo looked cool.

Last year I did a Transformers theme with an Autobot symbol and an Optimus Prime truck toy on top. (I don't have the pic on my computer.)

I experimented with fondant and airbrushing this year - what do you think?
And I'm getting a cold. *sniffle* SNORT. Two weeks after school starts, happens every year. Emma's getting sick too - her first cold. She such a happy baby, though, that she doesn't act like it bothers her. What's bothering her right now is my lack of milk - she gets pretty upset after each feeding. I'm going to keep taking my supplements though, since I know they don't work overnight. And I'm resisting the temptation to supplement her feedings with formula, since she calms down after a snuggle and a binky. We'll see what happens...

Happy birthday, Alex!

Tribute

7 years ago today I was getting ready for my first class of the day at 6:30 a.m. My radio woke me up as usual, and I was standing in front of my mirror, brushing my hair, when I heard, "A plane has just hit the World Trade Center." I remember thinking "This is just a mistake, some idiot who fell asleep at the controls of a Cessna or something who just killed some innocent people."

The rest of that day runs through my head like a tape that alternates between fast forward and pause. I remember walking past classrooms at WSU that had handwritten signs saying "Class Canceled." I remember somebody pulling out a TV into the common area of Cleveland Hall and pulling up benches. I remember seeing the second plane as it hit. I remember tears running down my face and a stranger standing behind me who squeezed my shoulder in comfort.

This morning I told my students about that day and the effect it had on our country. I told them that there were some very bad people who hate us for the way we live our lives and the freedoms we have. I told them to be thankful for that freedom. I had tears in my eyes when I said it, and you could have heard a pin drop in my classroom of 33 kids.

At our assembly, our music teacher told the entire school, with a catch in her voice, that the day before it happened, she had been teaching a lesson on Pearl Harbor. A student came up and asked if it could happen again. "No way," she reassured him. The next day she had to explain to him that she was wrong.

We can't forget. We've grown complacent already. I was lucky enough not to be directly touched by what occurred that day. But that makes me even more scared that it could happen again and hurt someone I love.

Remember. And thank the members of our military who are working so hard to protect us, and keep it from happening again.

On the road to recovery?

I spent this afternoon in "SAVE THE BOOBY!" mode. After pretty stressful days yesterday and today, both school-related and nursing-related, I was going to DO something about it, dammit. I went straight to Super Supplements this afternoon, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I bought fenugreek, blessed thistle, and an organic Mothers Milk tea, all of which supposedly contribute to increasing supply. I'm supposed to do all 3, 3 times a day. The fenugreek and blessed thistle are at least in pill form, but the Mothers Milk tea I steeped and divided into two water bottles so I have enough for two full days at school. I also bought the oatmeal, cooked a ton of it, and divided it into a bunch of tiny one-serving bowls so I can grab one on my way to work in the morning.

I also found out that apparently the shields on my breastpump aren't big enough for me, which could be contributing to a decrease in supply. I'm going tomorrow to pick up some larger ones. I really hope all this shit helps.

Damn, breastfeeding is hard.

Yes. THIS. Yes.

One of the blogs I read daily belongs to Amy Corbett Storch, an east coast mom who is truly hilarious. I model my writing style after hers, a tribute she deserves greatly since she has made me laugh so many times I've lost count. Yesterday she posted that because of her parents' health issues, they would not be able to be there for the birth of her second child. I read that and actually teared up, because I can't imagine much worse than not being with my mom at the birth of one of my children.

Then Amy got torn a new one in her comments, because, well, "there are worse things" and "quit whining" and "look on the bright side" and blah blah blah blah blah. Her response, this, not only addresses EXACTLY how I feel about my blog and the reasons I use it for my own personal whine-fest, but also hit a few nerves regarding how I feel about my mom in particular, and how scared I am about someday losing her, as well as my dad.

I feel for Amy, and I totally identify with her situation. Go Amy! And we should all keep using our blogs as an outlet - that's what they're for. If people don't want to hear it, THEY DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.

Cheerio!

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Another nursing note. So I'm in my closet at the end of the day today, pouring milk into bags, and one of my really good friends comes in and asks me how things are going. I tell her I'm pumping 4 times a day and she's really impressed. I tell her I'm getting 8 ounces a day and she says that sounds ok. We start talking about other stuff for a second and she goes, "Wait, you're only getting 8 ounces A DAY? You're supposed to be getting 8 ounces EACH TIME!"

No shit, Sherlock. And thanks. 'Cause I needed that reminder. ( I love you, Kim! I just didn't need that at that moment...) :-P

Nursing Update

(TMI alert - if you're really not interested in hearing about monthly cycles and other personal feminine "issues" then I REALLY don't suggest reading this post. You've been warned.)

Tonight was the first night that Emma fussed at the breast. I managed to get 8 ounces total out of my 4 pumping sessions at work today. I pump at 7:15, 10:00, 11:30 and 3:00. And tonight she started crying after finishing both sides. After posting about this on my favorite parenting bulletin board (Parenting), I was reminded that supply often dips when you start your first postpartum period. I realized that I've been spotting VERY lightly for about 4 days, and it probably doesn't help that that corresponded with going back to work. I'm really hoping that once AF ("Aunt Flo" for the uninitiated) goes away, my supply will pick back up again.

I'm doing everything else right - eating tons of protein, fruits and veggies, drinking lots of water, exercising moderately, resting when I can... I'm getting a little frustrated since I'm trying so hard and it's just not working. I wasn't able to find fenugreek at the store today, so I'm going to look for that tomorrow, as well as blessed thistle and real oatmeal (not instant) since those apparently all help. I refuse to supplement when I'm home and can nurse Emma, and if it means attaching her to the breast and not letting her unlatch, then that's what it takes.

I will do this. I will last until at least 6 months. I just wish my boobs would work with me here.
How could you refuse that face?

The kids are eating my braaaaaiiiinnnnnn...

OMG, today was nuts. All day long the kids were crazy and friggin' wouldn't SHUT UP. I hate hot days like this, especially with large classes (I've got 32 now). One kid starts chatting and the rest follow, and all the rewards and consequences in the world won't make them stop. Now, after 6 years of teaching I'm pretty damned confident in my ability to manage a classroom, and 3 principals who all say pretty good things make me even more confident. But days like today make me feel like a first year teacher who can't do anything but yell at the little brats.

The sheer size of the group makes it doubly difficult, since the second I redirect one on one side of the room, there's one on the other side that wasn't engaged because it took me 2 seconds to get in proximity to manage the other one. I feel like I'm at a tennis match some days. Look left: "Billy, eyes on me." Look right: "Jenny, put that away." Look left: "Sally, this isn't a beauty parlor." Look right: "Annie, don't put that in your mouth." And the hardest part is that my room is so jam-packed with kids and desks (desks, mind you, that are twice as big as desks need to be, so there is literally NO ROOM TO WALK in my classroom) that I have a really hard time using my best weapons, proximity and the infamous "teacher stare." The teacher stare works better if you're close to the kid getting stared at. Which is hard to do if YOU CAN'T WALK BETWEEN DESKS.

I had my first student processing today. Without going into details, that means that the kid couldn't get it together twice, which meant he needed to leave the room for some downtime. They go to the next room over, fill out a form explaining what they did and why, how it affected themselves and others, and what they will do differently next time. To his credit, this kid did a great job on the form, came back in a better mood, and had a better rest of the day. Which is exactly what our system is supposed to do, so yay for us! At least I'm doing something right.

On a nursing note, pumping at school is going okay. I'm managing to find time 4 times a day at school to pump, which is great for right now while I'm trying to keep up my supply. I imagine once Emma hits 6 months I'll cut down a bit. This is going to sound nuts, but I love my closet - it's completely private, has a minifridge and an outlet for my pump, and I can fit a chair in there so I can relax during pumping sessions. However, I'm only getting 7-8 ounces for a 10 hour day. Emma is certainly not hurting for it - she's chunking up nicely and is starting to get that breastfed-baby roundness about her. I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow to look up fenugreek to increase my supply - apparently if you take it for awhile you start to smell like licorice, but I like licorice and I want to keep nursing my baby, so the rest of you, well, you're just gonna have to deal.
She's gonna have him wrapped around her little finger in no time.
That's a Matchbox car in his hand. He didn't even stir when I went in to take a picture of him, yet he's still gripping that Matchbox car like his life depends on it. Damn, I've got some cute kids. I wish I could take credit for that. :-) On another note, he has this new toy that he got in his Burger King kids meal - a Pokemon called Jub Jub. Except he calls it Chub Chub. Which Scott can't help but giggle at. Men. Seriously.

I decided to skip the Wii tonight. I've worked out every day for the past week and I need a break. Too much too soon isn't good for the milk supply either, and I'm really tired. But I'm still down 13 pounds, and I'll do more tomorrow. Off to watch One Tree Hill - if for nothing other than the eye candy. Chad Michael Murray is totally dreamy. :-b... *drools*

Load of crap

In my opinion, women who say that no one can do the job of mothering better than a woman are no better than the men of 50 years ago who said that women couldn't do their jobs.

About a boy

Alex: "My tummy's very hungry."

Me: "Well, you should have eaten your dinner last night."

Alex: "Sorry, tummy."

I bow to the gods of Wii Fit

I changed my mind. I'm not an atheist anymore, I'm going to worship whoever it was that created the Wii Fit. (I'm so kidding, but I imagine my in-laws are praying for me right now.)

Wow, do I love that thing. As lazy as I naturally am, I LOVE working out. I actually love running, but right now it would put too much stress on my knees. I love the way I feel when I exercise and I love how I can feel my body getting stronger when I have a workout plan and I stick to it. This is why I love my Wii Fit. I've worked out every night for the past week (except last night, but that was date night, and we don't need to chat about that kind of exercise, now do we?) ;-) I can easily vary the workout by doing yoga, strength training, aerobics and balance games in different combinations. I've found I like the step aerobics and boxing the best, and I can go for an hour alternating between the two.
This is what I looked like in June of '02, right after Scott and I got engaged. I was probably 20 pounds lighter here than I am now. I wouldn't mind shooting for looking like this again. Currently, I'm 13 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I've been keeping up with a decent diet too. Although I find that when I eat what I'm supposed to I eat a lot more than I'm used to and I feel hungry a lot more too. I think I'll post a weightloss update along with my nursing updates. Maybe it'll keep me motivated. Wish me luck!

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.....

WEEKEND! Holy crap on a stick, we have NOTHING to do this weekend. It's currently noon and I haven't even showered because I've been playing with Alex and Emma all morning and Scott has just been lying in bed recovering from some ickiness. I really needed this, especially with last weekend being so busy and starting school this week.

So my class doesn't seem quite as bad as the first day made it feel. They seem to already have some sort of classroom community developed, I think because I have a large percentage who have been at my school for several years and they had fabulous teachers in 3rd grade. I don't have a lot of academic leaders, which makes cooperative learning hard, but at least I don't have any standout behaviors at this point. I made a point of reminding them that they're all good at something, and I think that helped get them on my side. They seem to like me already, which is weird because usually they are still a little wary at the end of the first week (I am very no-nonsense and focused on expectations the first week). I'm at 32 kids that have showed up so far. We'll see how things go...

Alex was invited to his friend Spencer's birthday party. Spencer was born the same day, in the same hospital, on the same floor as Alex, and they met at 8 weeks old when they both started daycare. It's another party at Pump it Up and we're definitely going to this one. Alex's birthday party will be next Saturday - he turns 4! Alex also started in the Pre-K room at daycare this week. He's transitioning, and I'm a little worried about it. He's such an active little man and I know he's a kinesthetic learner, which is often not served well in a school setting. He's a brilliant kid but he has no interest in learning his letters or sounds and whenever I ask him what letters or numbers he learned at school today (or I point to a letter and ask him what it is), he says, "I don't know." I'd be willing to bet that part of that is him not wanting to tell me because of his friggin' annoying tendency to do the opposite of what we want him to all the time, but I'm starting to get a little concerned. Thankfully I've got two years before he'll start kindergarten, since his birthday is past the cutoff, so I'll have plenty of time to work with him at his pace.

Emma is starting to reach for things now. We started solids about a week or so ago and she did wonderfully, but when I started having supply issues I decided not to supplement so we're waiting awhile to start again. She's really interested in voices and talking, and she actually will try to imitate the sounds you make. She'll also imitate the shapes you make with your mouth when you talk, and her favorite is when we say, "I love you," slowly. She will sometimes form the shapes with her mouth and once she made noises that sounded an awful lot like "I love you." She adores it when we read her stories and will stare at the pictures for hours while we're reading. She's such a sweet, happy baby.

I got called for jury duty. Hooray for me! Let me use up all the sick leave I just earned back to go sit in some courtroom for two weeks. I postponed it to December. Who knows, maybe it'll actually be interesting if I actually get to sit on a jury. Not worth the 12 bucks a day, but interesting, I'm sure.

Time to go put Alex down for a nap. I'm off to do nothing for the rest of the day!

Websites I like

So when I do get some time to sit back and relax, these are the websites I visit for a good laugh or something to think about. Mostly just for a good laugh. Check 'em out.
A truly normal woman who has just about the funniest writing style I've ever read.amalah.com
This woman is becoming almost famous in her own right for simply "mommy blogging." I'm totally jealous but laugh my ass off just about every day. dooce.com
OMG, whatever the hell this is, I want to eat it, it's so cute.
NOM. icanhascheezburger.com
I use this to keep up with what those crazy kids are saying these days.
Have fun guessing which ones are mine! truemomconfessions.com

Nursing Update

After two days of stressing over low supply, but pumping 3 times while I was at work, my supply picked up again today. Someone told me that whatever you do to increase your supply you have to do for two days before it will make a difference, and so far she has been right. Emma has been much happier today. Today was a better day at school too. Life is so busy! It's hard to find time to go to the grocery store what with working and two kids, but I'm finding I need more crap, and I'm always distracted when I get there so I forget stuff. I think I've figured out a night time routine, though, and Scott, like the wonderful man he is, has really stepped up and helped out. I'm so lucky. Off to go feed Emma her last session before bed!

RNC/DNC/OMG/SFW

My GAWD, I am so effing sick of politics! If it were up to me I would have completely ignored this whole mess of an election until it came time to pull the lever for Ron Paul. (I think my parents just both had coronaries.)

Short version - grew up conservative. The 'rents had Rush Limbaugh playing in the background of my entire LIFE. (I think that's why I can't STAND talk radio now.) I'm not proud of it, but AS A STATEMENT (I can't believe I did this) back in high school I gave my favorite teacher a complete set of Rush Limbaugh's books, KNOWING he was a dyed-in-the-wool liberal, thinking it would be funny and "further my cause." (The poor guy was deeply offended and I learned my lesson. Don't push politics. With ANYONE.) All throughout my young life I spouted conservative beliefs and ideals, firmly believing I was right (hehehe...THAT's a big shocker, Marci thinking she's right!) and that everyone else should believe what I believed.

I don't know when or what changed, but somehow in the last 10 years or so I've realized that I am SO not a polar person. As I've gotten older I've edged closer and closer to the middle ground between right and left. I still swing right on most fiscal issues, but I've become a liberal thinker on a lot of things. Here are my beliefs, in a nutshell.

Gay marriage. Why in the hell would I think I have the right to tell someone who has harmed no one and committed no crime that he/she cannot live with and love whomever he/she wants? If Bob wants to marry Duane, and that makes both of them happy and they are contributing members of society (hell, even that doesn't matter) LET THEM GET MARRIED. Why does anyone else care? Oh, right, because it's "against God's plan" or somehow morally wrong. That brings me to my next issue. (Did you like that? I'm attempting to master the segue.)

Religion. This is where the Right and I are most divided. I am an atheist. Straight up, no olive, atheist. I do not believe in God, a god, Allah, Jehovah, Krishna, whateverthehellitwantstobecalled "higher being." I believe the universe went BANG and over billions of years gradual changes occurred and not only are we descendants of monkeys (GASP) but that we are descendants of the lowest forms of life, one-celled protozoans (or whatever they're called). That's not to say that I hold belief in a higher being against anyone, because belief is strictly personal. You live in your own head, and I very strongly believe that your religion and practices should stay there. Live according to your beliefs and ideals, and I'll live according to mine, as long as we're not hurting anybody. Just don't preach to me, and do NOT legislate morality based on your belief system. Don't tell me I can't get an abortion because it's against god's will, tell me scientifically how and why it is actually killing a child and I'll more likely agree with you. Oh look, another segue!

Abortion. Get one. I don't care. It's your body, your child. YOU are the one who will have to live with the fact that you might have killed an actual human being. I have a friend who had an abortion, and it has haunted her for the past ten years. She lives with the guilt, wondering what her child may have looked like. In short, I'm am totally pro-choice, but I would never choose abortion myself. But again, it's MY body. You do what you want with YOUR body. The only gray area is the whole, "as long as you're not hurting anybody else" idea, because I do believe you're hurting somebody else. Your child. But YOU are the one who has to live with that.

Taxes. I hate paying 'em. So does everybody else. I'd like to pay fewer of them. I prefer them to go to worthwhile things such as healthcare, defense, education, and other things that make our society better. I believe welfare should be a temporary solution and the funds should be required to be spent on education in some way. I wonder what would happen if we diverted some of the money spent on welfare to education and managed to get classrooms of 12 students or less. (Damn, I am ON with the seques tonight!)

Education. I believe our education system is so broken it is almost beyond repair. I'm not sure increased spending on education is what we need - I think we need to take the money we have now and completely change everything we're doing. We are so focused on how the kids FEEL about what they're learning that we have completely lost track of how to teach them what they need to know. I'm a firm believer in ability grouping. And the only people who give me arguments against it use the argument that, "research shows that students who are continuous low achievers have much higher dropout rates." Well, DUH, if they're in a system that only favors the ones who can adhere to one standard for each age level! What really surprises me is that people haven't figured this out before now. Take the kids who need extra help and GIVE IT TO THEM. Let the kids who soar work together and fly. Get rid of grade levels and social promotion (you know, the notion where if a kid is bigger than her peers but is failing every test, you still move her to the next grade level because, "she might feel bad about herself."). TEACH KIDS AT THEIR LEVELS regardless of their age. People always say, "but what if you get 25 year olds in 3rd grade?" First of all, in my world you wouldn't have 3rd grade, you would have individual IEPs for each student and that student would be working toward those goals with a group of students who have similar goals. But if that 25 year old needs to be at a 3rd grade level, dammit, put him at that level. And offer technical and vocational schooling as a public option with funding from the government. (Can you tell this is a big issue with me?)

Wow, this is getting long. I knew I was long-winded but I didn't realize how chatty I would be if I started this whole blogging thing. Well, if you've stuck with me this long, my god, don't you have a life of your own? And if you trailed off awhile back, well, screw you, 'cause you're not reading this anyway. I'll leave you to think about a quote that I heard awhile back that I'm still not sure about: If you're not a liberal by 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by 45, you have no soul. WDYT?

First Day of School

Oh ye of little ability to handle stress...

So. School. Teaching. And shit. (Quite literally, actually, you should have seen Emma's poop today. But I digress.)

There are a ton of ways to describe what it is I do for a living. The easiest is to say I'm a teacher. Which, depending on who you ask, gets either the, "Oh, you are so amazing I couldn't do it you are SO not appreciated for all you do for our kids we love you blahblahblah..." OR the "...Oh...really?" with the look that says, "Are you serious? 'Cause who would want to do that? Aren't you smarter than that?"

In response, yes, I am serious, and you will never meet smarter people than the wonderful people I work with. You will also never meet harder workers or more dedicated human beings. I live for and love the people I work with and am SO lucky to have them in my life.

But.

Back to the words you can use to describe not just my job, but my school. Title I. Low-socioeconomic status. Trailer park. Low-achieving. Free and reduced lunch. High-needs. Interventions. Special programs. Adequate Yearly Progress (Step 2, no less). ELL. High minority population. No parent involvement. After school programs. Etc...etc...etc.

In short, I have a tough job. I don't think there's anyone out there who would disagree with that. But today was probably one of the hardest days of my life. In short, I started back to work after4 and a half months off, I have 33 kids in my class and not a single one stands out as a leader that I can count on, I'm having supply issues with nursing, my teaching partner from last year and best friend at school is no longer teaching 4th grade (not her choice, our principal's choice) and she was what kept me sane. Our schedule sucks and my room smells like mildew. In between pumping and working with the kids, I had no time to just sit and relax, which is what I need to do to keep up my supply. And because I'm a respected member of our staff (read: the only one who would volunteer) I'm on the two most involved committees at our school and the facilitator/chair of one of them. And today I found out that my mom had to go to the hospital, while she was caring for Emma, because she was having heart palpitations. Which means she may not be able to care for Emma for very long, because we don't want to overstress her or put Emma in danger should something happen to my mom.

And at the risk of being a total downer to everyone, if you don't want to be depressed, don't keep reading. I just need a place to get out some of the things I've had on my mind, since once I put them to paper (or in this case, the internets) they don't seem to bother me as much. It's like I'm justified in feeling the way I do because there's something concrete that I can look at and say, "Wow, I've got a lot of SHIT going on right now, and I have every right to not handle it well."

That isn't to say that others don't have more shit, just that I have enough to be justified in feeling shitty about it. Know what I mean?

So back in May I gave birth, coming off of a very uncomfortable, sick and miserable pregnancy with at least one hospital visit for a false alarm and an early leave because of stress. It was amazing that as soon as I quit working, all of the issues either lessened or went away. So I had a wonderful c-section experience, then a bunch of shit happened. We had to take Emma to the ER because she became non-responsive and turned out it was because of jaundice and a medication I was on. Then our pediatrician noticed her hips were a little wacky and she had a UTI in the first week. So we had to go through a hip ulrasound, renal ultrasound and VCUG (which was SO miserable - she was strapped to a board with her arms over her head while they catheterized her and squirted water over her to make her pee, all while trying to get xrays of her bladder and such). Then the doc found a heart murmur. So she had to go through a cardiac ultrasound. Thankfully everything was normal, but it all made for a very stressful first month or so.

While all of this was going on, I was still having issues myself. In the span of three months, I had 2 strep throat infections; constant painful stomach upset and diarrhea which turned out to be because of a sudden and unexpected lactose intolerance; 3 yeast infections as a result of the antibiotics after my surgery and for the strep throat; weird food sensitivities (my throat would swell up after eating something that was totally common in my diet before); weird skin sensitivities; constant bleeding for almost 3 months; and a very painful (it still hurts) swelling in my SI joint that has required both massage and chiropractic treatment to lessen the pain and get me walking normally again.

So thank god most of that had resolved itself before I started back at work. My back still hurts and it's hard to bend forward at times, but it's slowly getting better. Breastfeeding started out great. But then I had to go in last week to start setting up my classroom and suddenly I'm having supply issues. It was the exact same thing with Alex - I dried up in the first week (I think I pumped once). I have had no problem nursing Emma until now, and even with upping the amount of times I'm feeding/pumping, and making sure to avoid any supplementation, I'm still having issues. I'm watching my diet, I'm getting exercise (I LOVE MY Wii FIT!) and I'm trying to get as much rest as I can (HA HA HA - she says as she blogs at 11:00 p.m. on a school night). I think the last thing I want to do now is give up breastfeeding, and it's not because I'm feeling guilty about it or that I'm worried about other peoples' perception of my quitting, it's because I LOVE IT. It's precious time with my daughter. I get to hold her close, kiss her soft cheeks, stroke her silky hair, stare into those HUGE eyes and just ENJOY her for 20 STRAIGHT MINUTES. No interruptions, nothing to do or worry about, just me sitting down, relaxing and enjoying my precious baby girl. It's THAT that I don't want to give up. But it's getting harder and harder to enjoy when she isn't getting what she needs, is getting fussy when she finishes and isn't latching on for longer than a minute or two without pulling off and fussing.

Sadly, I have more, but it's getting late and I need to sleep. I'll come back for more in the saga of "I'm more depressed than you!" tomorrow. And maybe I'll start on my medication again. Who knows, maybe it'll actually help things. It has before...

A direct quote from the boy: "I can't enjoy myself in the dark when I'm all alone." While I'm hitting myself in the head with a book because I can't get the vaguely dirty connotation of that statement out of my head, it's still a great snapshot of my child's mind. Any NORMAL 3 year old will just say, "Mommy, I'm afraid of the dark." But NO, not my 3 year old. He has to utilize that embarrassingly large vocabulary of his and make me feel GUILTY. For leaving him in the DARK. Because he's so CUTE. Damn kids.

Anyway, so today. Whew. End of a busy weekend. I don't think the ILs have seen this much of us in a long time. We spent all day Saturday at SIL's parents' lake house for Alex's cousin Jazlyn's birthday. (Is it just me, or was there an overabundance of "S"s in that sentence?) Alex got to go in the hot tub and ride in the boat, as well as playing with Jazlyn all day. Emma did what she does. Which is to say, coo, burble, look adorable and be happy. And get passed around to everyone and their mother, which I totally don't mind - I'm feeling a little kid-centric these days and I appreciate being able to hand them off to someone else. We had fun, although the weather didn't cooperate and we didn't get to spend time in the water like we usually do.

Sunday was Emma's blessing, and despite the fact that I break out in hives when entering a church (no, I'm kidding) we survived. Actually, I was just glad the church didn't burn down around me. :-) Alex watched adoringly as his little sister was gathered into the circle of men and given her name. I told him that he had the same special thing happen to him and he just got a huge smile on his face. He was very good and only had one issue - sharing his snack with Jazlyn, which was a recurring theme all weekend. Baby sister makes otherwise good-sharer into grabby and whiny non-sharer. Life with two kids is nothing if not entertaining.
God, I love those toes. What is it about baby toes?

Monday, Labor Day, was Kristy's baby shower. It was nice and small, just Oma, Grandma, Aunt Mary, Kristy, Kristy's mom and me. Jazlyn and Alex stayed with the dads (which is to say, they played video games and watched movies) while the babies (Emma and cousin Matsen) stayed with us at the shower. Mary certainly got creative with the menu - I had feta cheese and hummus for the first time, and tried a frittata, which wasn't bad but could've done without the onions. Emma was cooing and burbling and adorable, as usual.

Nursing update: I've made it 17 weeks and we're still exclusively breastfeeding! I start back to work tomorrow with our nuts and bolts staff meeting and an ice cream social, so I'll have to start pumping. I'm worried that this will mean the end of nursing, since I generally don't handle stress well. I'm enjoying it so much that I don't want to give it up - it's my time with my baby girl that has really strengthened the bond I have with her. I'm planning on doing a weekly nursing update to keep track of how things are going. Right now we're nursing 6 times a day at least, usually on a 6-9-12-3-6-9 schedule, and she's sleeping from 9 to 6 at night. Couldn't ask for a better baby.

And that's about it. I'll blog tomorrow about the parents I meet at the ice cream social, if any show up. I usually get 3 or 4, so we'll see. Wish me luck!