Nothing new.

Emma seems to have decided she's tired of surprising us with something new everyday. Today she said Mamamama a lot, but there's no real proof that she has any clue what it means yet.

Alex had a disastrous TKD lesson on Saturday - he wouldn't listen, he started whining, and we ended up CARRYING him (yes, Scott actually picked him up and carried him) out of there early.

He seems to have entered another difficult phase, which, apparently, seem to coincide with stretches of him deciding he doesn't like to sleep. I mean, duh - the kid's tired, he acts up. So Scott and I talked yesterday and decided to make it VERY clear to him that when he wakes up before 6 in the morning (hell, even before 7, we're lucky if he sleeps past 7) he will only be allowed to lay back in bed, close his eyes, and try to go back to sleep. No playing, no talking, no banging, no kicking the bed or walls (we actually have to say all of this to him, because god forbid we leave ANY leeway - if there's a loophole, he will find it).

Anyway, we tried it this morning, and for some reason it actually worked. He woke up at 7 and I didn't think there was any chance. But Scott gave him the rundown and was about to leave when I reminded him, "Make it clear what will happen if he doesn't do it," so Scott said that he wouldn't get to see Grandma and Grandpa if he didn't listen.

We had two blessed hours of silence. And sleep, because we got to go back to sleep. Emma was up eating for awhile but she fell asleep in my arms (awwwww - I think that's the only time she's ever done that, she always has to be put down in her crib) and we actually got to sleep a little longer. The glory! The rapture!

We'll see if it works again.

Other than that, nothing new to report. It's day 5 of Project Wean The Baby, and I haven't had any ill effects - a little sore in the boobage area but nothing as bad as my back. That is still hurting, and I can't walk around for very long before I literally can't walk. Percocet helps but only if I stay off my feet.

I'm calling tomorrow to see if I can get in with the other doc.

History repeats itself

So my doc said it's virtually impossible for me to do a full 8-hour workday right now (duh) and I can't go half days without getting my pay cut in half because I don't have much sick leave (used it for maternity leave last year). So, until I either get the pain under control, which doesn't seem likely, since I'm taking percocet every four hours and still having leg spasms, or I get the consult and they shoot cortisone into my back, I'm out of work.

Which is funny, because last year, same time, I went out early because of back pain during my pregnancy. I had been hoping to work until the date of my c-section, but it was back and hip pain that made it hard to move then. I wonder if I had gotten the MRI back then that we'd have caught this sooner. Anyway, I'm going to enjoy my time off. As much as I can. :-)

Alex had black belt club class tonight. He didn't do very well, but he went to bed late last night, woke up at 5:15 and wouldn't go back to sleep, AND had both dance and an extra class of TKD today. We're going to skip the extra TKD class next week so he'll hopefully be less tired and more focused.

I found Emma standing in her crib this morning. Up to today she had only pulled up to her knees, and today I heard her making this weird chirping noise so I went to check on her. Sure enough, she was teething on the rail of the crib, standing straight up. Something new every day these days.

Well, more drugs to take. They weren't being very effective earlier, except for making me really loopy during TKD (I actually said, "We don't wear holes with socks in them," to Alex at one point). See you all tomorrow.

Gah.

So I talked with the receptionist at the neurosurgeon's office today. Apparently my case isn't "urgent" and therefore I don't warrant a consult until March 18th. Which means I get to deal with it. In pain, for the next two weeks, and then even longer as I wait for surgery (if needed). So now I'm sitting here with this doctor's note saying I need a break from work for the next week, when I'm apparently not in danger of rupturing a disk right away, which means I SHOULD BE BACK AT WORK.

Even though 4 hours on my feet is enough to make me cry and I have to sit in the car, writhing and mewling, waiting for 10 minutes for the heated seats to kick in so the inflammation can go down and I can drive home.

So both of these things make me want to punch myself in the face. Because really, I mean, there isn't another better way of handling the situation, so I might as well just do something stupid that might make me feel better. You know, because punching something feels good. Until you realize you just punched yourself and it hurts.

None of that paragraph really made sense to me, but we'll chalk it up to the percocet, ok?

Anyway, I'm thinking I'll probably end up working half days. I can't handle much more than that - the pain after 4 hours makes me completely non-functional. Try managing 27 pre-teens when you can't even walk around the room. I don't know how I'm going to work that though, because I don't have a lot of sick leave left and I'm not sure that short term and long term disability cover part time.

Ugh. I'm just going to enjoy tomorrow off and see if my doctor has any advice. Wish me luck.

Aaaaand we're done.

I have a herniated disk, which is bulging outward and pinching the nerve that runs down my left leg. I will be scheduling a neurosurgery consult in the next few days. Most likely it will require surgery. Yay!

Scott yelled at me today. I believe the exact words he used were, "You are the most stupidly stubborn person I've ever met." See, I've been working half days for the last 4 work days. On vicodin. And last week, on vicodin and prednisone. Driving all over town. On my feet for four hours at a time. In enough pain that often I had to stop teaching and just clench my teeth or let out little mewling sounds. (The kids' reactions were entertaining, to say the least.)

And see, me being the selfish person that I am, I kept telling myself, it isn't that bad, people are counting on me, I don't want to let them down, I don't want them to think less of me. My kids need stability in their lives, and I AM that stability. I have to be there for them, my coworkers, my boss, my school...well, honestly, for everyone but myself. And while that SOUNDS all warm and fuzzy and selfless, really the only reason I do that is because I don't want them to think that I'm a bad person, so I push myself to make myself look good.

Scott finally called me on it today. He was pissed off, too - rightfully so. I am damned stubborn. Anyway, I have a doctor's note that I'm excused from work for the next week so I don't end up in a worse situation. Right now the disk is just bulging, but it could rupture, which would be all kinds of fun. So I'm going to take hubby's (and doctor's) orders and stay off my feet.

And I'm about to go embark on my last nursing session. The doctor gave me percocet because the vicodin isn't doing as much for my pain as it could. The last time I was on percocet Emma had some side effects, so I decided that since I've been slowly adjusting to the idea of weaning over the last month or so, I'm just going to call it good. I hurt too much to sit up and nurse her right now anyway.

I made it to 10 months! Which is 5 times as long as I nursed Alex, and 10 months longer than some women make it, so I'm going to take that and be proud of myself, dammit.

I'm going to go lie down because my leg is spasming at the moment. And I'm going to cherish the last few nursing moments I have with my daughter.

I'm in awe.

I really am. I was watching Emma play with my hair as she nursed this morning and all I could think about was, "I don't think I've documented this on my blog yet - I hope I never forget what this feels like."

It's amazing - she's so gentle when she plays with the strands of my hair, and she ALWAYS has to play with it. The first thing she does after latching on is reach out for my hair. Occasionally she'll tug a little too hard, but a "No" or "Nice touches" usually does the trick and she goes back to just gently running her fingers through it. If my hair isn't available, she'll grab her own and pull on it, but she prefers mine. It's one of those moments that you wish you could capture and freeze forever.

This has been such a big week for our little girl. She started crawling, pulling up, signing "please" and repeating our sounds when we make them to her. She does "So big!" now, on cue. She also would play with her Noah's Ark and shapesorter barn for HOURS if we let her. She gives kisses without being asked. And her little toes - have I mentioned I love baby toes? - are perpetually pointed like a little ballerina. bn vgv bh bnj bh b u u b f v bvhg vbghv

(She just typed that. I had to leave it in.)

She has also made the transition from fussing only when she needs something to fussing when she doesn't get something she WANTS. And...so it begins. The discipline thing. This week I've said, "You're fine" a LOT. Over the past month or so I started getting worried that I wasn't going to be as much of a hardass with her as I was with Alex, but that one was answered for me this week - yeah, still the hardass. If there's one thing I will NOT tolerate, it's my own whiny children. (I can't tolerate other people's whiny children either, but at least MY kids won't be the ones annoying THEM.) She is just now getting old enough that if it takes me more than 2 seconds to get the spoon to her mouth, and she starts that annoying "Waaah," I pull the spoon back and tell her, "Chill. It's still here, you're going to get it, you aren't going to starve." And she gets it when she stops "Waaah"-ing. She's learning to deal.

In other news, I go in to get the results of the MRI tomorrow. Obviously there's something wrong (duh, the insane amounts of PAIN PAIN PAIN OW that I've been in should have clued me in) because the nurse didn't just say, "The MRI was normal, you'll be fine." She said, "Let's get you in here as soon as possible so we can go over the results and discuss TREATMENT OPTIONS." So I don't know what's going on yet, but I apparently have TREATMENT OPTIONS. If I could be jumping right now, I would be. 'Cause I'm so excited about my OPTIONS. For treating...well...whatever the hell is wrong with me.

I mean, seriously, is it really that hard to tell me what's going on? Stupid lawyers and their stupid lawsuits that say I can't even know what's going on with MY OWN BODY if the stupid DOCTOR doesn't tell me. Stupids.

I have now had 5 and a half days total that I've missed work (the last three have been half days) because of this pain thing. I'm hoping that they either give me some serious drugs so I can get back to work normally or shoot me up with something that cures it. I don't care at this point, I just want the pain to GO AWAY.

Alex had another three sticker night at TKD, AND he got his first stripe on his orange belt (he has to get three by the next testing).

More info on the MRI tomorrow.

Pondering

There isn't much that's more glee-inducing than watching your nine-month-old daughter rock out to David Archuleta at 6:00 in the morning.

Pondering

If the Google AdSense people don't want ME clicking on the damn links, why do they keep posting links that I'm writing about?