Aaaaand we're done.

I have a herniated disk, which is bulging outward and pinching the nerve that runs down my left leg. I will be scheduling a neurosurgery consult in the next few days. Most likely it will require surgery. Yay!

Scott yelled at me today. I believe the exact words he used were, "You are the most stupidly stubborn person I've ever met." See, I've been working half days for the last 4 work days. On vicodin. And last week, on vicodin and prednisone. Driving all over town. On my feet for four hours at a time. In enough pain that often I had to stop teaching and just clench my teeth or let out little mewling sounds. (The kids' reactions were entertaining, to say the least.)

And see, me being the selfish person that I am, I kept telling myself, it isn't that bad, people are counting on me, I don't want to let them down, I don't want them to think less of me. My kids need stability in their lives, and I AM that stability. I have to be there for them, my coworkers, my boss, my school...well, honestly, for everyone but myself. And while that SOUNDS all warm and fuzzy and selfless, really the only reason I do that is because I don't want them to think that I'm a bad person, so I push myself to make myself look good.

Scott finally called me on it today. He was pissed off, too - rightfully so. I am damned stubborn. Anyway, I have a doctor's note that I'm excused from work for the next week so I don't end up in a worse situation. Right now the disk is just bulging, but it could rupture, which would be all kinds of fun. So I'm going to take hubby's (and doctor's) orders and stay off my feet.

And I'm about to go embark on my last nursing session. The doctor gave me percocet because the vicodin isn't doing as much for my pain as it could. The last time I was on percocet Emma had some side effects, so I decided that since I've been slowly adjusting to the idea of weaning over the last month or so, I'm just going to call it good. I hurt too much to sit up and nurse her right now anyway.

I made it to 10 months! Which is 5 times as long as I nursed Alex, and 10 months longer than some women make it, so I'm going to take that and be proud of myself, dammit.

I'm going to go lie down because my leg is spasming at the moment. And I'm going to cherish the last few nursing moments I have with my daughter.

Updates

1. I, once again, get to wear the Mother of the Year crown. Last weekend Emma was sitting on the floor of her bedroom, I was sitting on one side of her, Scott behind her, and she reached over to the hamster cage. I grabbed her hand before she could stick her finger in, looked up at Scott to say something, and in that split second she managed to not only stick her finger in the cage but get the tip half bitten off by the little shit of a hamster. (I can't blame the hamster - it did look an awful lot like a teeny tiny carrot.) She's fine, didn't need stitches or anything, but it bled like a m-fer for 2 hours.

2. PICTURES! I finally have pictures! I'll post a few different posts over the next couple of days to get updated on our pictures, since we finally were able to get them off the camera. Something happened and the computer isn't recognizing the camera when I plug it in so we have to take an extra step and download them to the laptop, then move them over. Which I finally managed to get Scott to do this weekend since he's been working so hard lately. More pics coming soon!

3. Nursing: I quit pumping last week. I'm tired of it - I was getting two ounces in THREE DAYS. So I quit, and oddly enough, my supply seems to be back up and running. We may make it to a year yet.

4. My perfect sleeper has decided she doesn't want to be perfect anymore. Although, technically, she still is, since she's still sleeping through the night, and as soon as we GET her down, she sleeps 10+ hours. But the poor thing decided this week that she didn't want to GO to sleep, so we've been Ferberizing her the last day or two. Actually, I don't know if the method I'm using is Ferber or not, it's probably simple Cry It Out, but it involves putting her down and letting her cry for a successive number of minutes, and going in to comfort her and let her know we're here at intervals. Last night it was cry for 2 minutes, then comfort, then 5, then 10, and she was asleep before we got to the 15 minute period. She woke up happy as a clam this morning, so it's obviously not hurting her. This will probably take a couple of days and she'll be back to normal.

5. Alex got his yellow belt and sparring gear in Tae Kwon Do. He was very excited about the sparring gear especially, because now he gets to practice his kicks and punches ON OTHER PEOPLE. And he's really GOOD. If he can learn to control himself and be aware of things around him, he will do very well in TKD. He also asked about starting soccer again, so we're going to look into that.

6. This, sadly for me, will be Alex's last year in dance. We always said that as soon as he became aware of the stigma associated with male dancers that we would take him out unless he REALLY wanted to stay in. But he has been saying lately that he doesn't want to go to dance, and his little friend Spencer, who has 2 older siblings (one a teenager), has been making comments like "dancing is for girls." We don't want to teach him that Spencer is right, so we finish out the year. But after that we'll tell him that TKD, gymnastics and soccer (or whatever else he does) are enough for him so we decided to drop one of his activities. He's actually pretty good at dance, but if he were to continue it would be on his terms, and the type of dance he wants to do, and I'm pretty sure ballet/tap/jazz isn't it. Although with the way he can shake his butt I'd say hip hop might be the way to go. :-) And he stays in gymnastics as long as possible - it has really helped his flexibility. The other parents at TKD marvel at how flexible he is when they do stretches and such.

So that's it. Posts with pictures coming later today. I have shopping and playing to do!

Nothing? Seriously?

So I talked with the lactation consultant today. I must say, she was rather sweet and praised me for all I've done, but she was completely, utterly and freaking annoyingly unhelpful. Apparently I've made it far enough that even prescription meds won't help increase my supply. She was impressed with all I've tried already, but basically told me that I should be happy that I've made it this far. The freakin' lactation nazi told me I've done all I can.

So I hold out as long as I can and hope that I can make it to my goal of a year. I just hope that my story can help convince some other women out there that no, breastfeeding is not "the easiest thing in the world." It's goddamned hard work, goddammit, and not only will it not necessarily come easy but if it doesn't, you're not only going to be worried about what's wrong with you, but you have another person to worry about nourishing as well. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed over this, how many "supplements" I've taken for this, how many hours I've spent pumping and getting next to nothing and worrying that I wasn't going to be able to do this anymore, but then feeling guilty about wanting to quit, because "BREAST IS BEST!"

And now I'm ranting. Dammit. I need a cookie. Anyone have a cookie? Preferably a really big one. With chocolate chips. Lots.

Update

Just for you, Matt, more on my boobs!

So I've been nursing Emma every 2-4 hours for the past week and giving her a 4 ounce bottle about every other session. She's already getting chunkier, and is still happy as ever. Supply is up a little, but not much. Got an email back from a La Leche League leader, and I'll be calling her tomorrow.

I'm exhausted after 24 hours with my sister-in-law and her two kids. I offered to take the three of them to dinner last night with me, Alex and Emma, and wow - I can't imagine doing that alone - women who want more than two kids are crazy. I say that as lovingly as possible, but seriously - CRAZY. And it really wasn't the babies who were nuts, it was the 3 and 4 year olds. I think Kristy and I got two words in to each other, the rest were telling the kids to knock it off or making sure to feed them something.

And Alex? I don't know who invaded his head the past 24 hours, but he was a little snot. I think the jealous sibling attitude is finally hitting him - and he took it out on Jazlyn. Unfortunately, they both have the firstborn, strong-willed child personality and they try to boss each other around, and Alex is having a hard time remembering to use his words before smacking or kicking. I think 2 weeks of unstructured Mommy time (he hasn't been in daycare because of the snow, the holidays, and this trip) has made him excited to get back to school. (Shh...I know I'm ready to get him back there too!)

Anyway, I'm exhausted and I know for a fact that I'm not having any more kids. 2 is perfect. One for each hand, one for each parent. Now if I could just convince Scott...

Wow, can this kid EAT

Maybe it's because the poor thing has been starving for a month now, or because I have so little milk for her, but since Monday I've been nursing Emma every 2-3 hours AND offering her a 4 ounce bottle afterward - and she takes it all, without spitting anything up. Add that to the occasional solids I've been giving her and the kid is flippin' ravenous. Now I'm worried that she's getting too much, instead of too little.

I've been having other people feed Emma her bottle, since I don't want her to think she gets anything but breast from me. So I asked Scott's aunt on Christmas Eve to feed her. While we were talking, she said, "Oh, I loved breastfeeding so much. It was the easiest thing in the world."

Seriously? Granted, she didn't know of all my difficulties. All I could think to say was, "Oh, this has NOT been easy. By any stretch."

Scott asked me last night what I think is wrong. Honestly, it could be one of a million things - I'm not eating enough calories, I'm getting enough calories but not enough of the right things, I'm stressing too much about it, I'm not resting enough, not getting enough exercise... I wish I knew. The only thing I can do is attempt to address all of those issues the way I have been. Which hasn't been working.

Gah. I'm contemplating talking to the lactation nazis about it, but I imagine they won't tell me anything I don't know.

Anyway, Christmas posts coming soon - our camera has been acting up and won't upload the pics to the computer so it might be a little while. Hope everyone had a merry Christmas!

Current mood: depressed

So at the doc today I found out Emma's weight. 14 lb 14 oz. Two ounces LIGHTER than her last weight a MONTH ago. You know, I could be wrong, but I thought that babies were supposed to get HEAVIER with time.

So if my struggle with breastfeeding over the past 7 months hasn't been evidence enough, the fact that she's actually LOSING weight tells me it's time to do something else. Which, let me tell ya, is heartbreaking. I thought it was WORKING, people. I thought my boobs WORKED, for chrissake. I thought my beautiful, happy, smiley baby was getting all she needed. She's been getting solid foods lately too - cereal, veggies, fruits, Cheerios, Gerber puffs - we even started yogurt a few weeks ago.

I don't know what to do at this point. I've worked my ass off trying to get this nursing thing to work for so long now that it would be pointless to quit, but I know that if I start supplementing it'll screw with my supply even more.

But honestly, I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm tired of taking 20 pills a day of vitamins, calcium, fenugreek and blessed thistle just to find out that I'm depriving my precious baby girl of what she needs. I'm tired of Scott thinking I stink because the fenugreek comes out your pores (it smells like licorice, which he apparently hates). I'm tired of the stupid nursing bras and restricted clothing choices. I'm tired of having to eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast to make sure I'm getting my protein (although I'm sure my cholesterol levels are better now). I'm tired of worrying that if I skip one feeding for a goddamned date night that my supply will drop and I'll have to add two pumping sessions a day for the next week to make up for it. I'm tired of pumping 3 times a day at work and not even getting enough milk for one (yeah, ONE) 4 ounce bottle. (Side note - everyone told me, and everything I read said, that you can't ever get out as much with a pump as the baby can get out. In other words, I shouldn't worry that I'm lucky if I pump an ounce and a half each session - baby's getting more than that. Riiiight.) Bottom line - I'm just fucking tired.

Will I keep doing it? Damn right I will. I'm not going to stop until my boobs decide otherwise, or I reach one year, whichever comes first. I just need to decide if I want to spend the next two weeks power-nursing - feeding her once every hour and hoping that works to increase my supply - or just say fuck it and start giving her a bottle after each feeding.

I'm leaning towards the fuck-it side of things.

I don't know. We'll see. I just want to do what's best for Emma, because obviously whatever I've been doing isn't. And I don't know what else to try anymore. And I'm tired of trying.

On the road to recovery?

I spent this afternoon in "SAVE THE BOOBY!" mode. After pretty stressful days yesterday and today, both school-related and nursing-related, I was going to DO something about it, dammit. I went straight to Super Supplements this afternoon, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I bought fenugreek, blessed thistle, and an organic Mothers Milk tea, all of which supposedly contribute to increasing supply. I'm supposed to do all 3, 3 times a day. The fenugreek and blessed thistle are at least in pill form, but the Mothers Milk tea I steeped and divided into two water bottles so I have enough for two full days at school. I also bought the oatmeal, cooked a ton of it, and divided it into a bunch of tiny one-serving bowls so I can grab one on my way to work in the morning.

I also found out that apparently the shields on my breastpump aren't big enough for me, which could be contributing to a decrease in supply. I'm going tomorrow to pick up some larger ones. I really hope all this shit helps.

Damn, breastfeeding is hard.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Another nursing note. So I'm in my closet at the end of the day today, pouring milk into bags, and one of my really good friends comes in and asks me how things are going. I tell her I'm pumping 4 times a day and she's really impressed. I tell her I'm getting 8 ounces a day and she says that sounds ok. We start talking about other stuff for a second and she goes, "Wait, you're only getting 8 ounces A DAY? You're supposed to be getting 8 ounces EACH TIME!"

No shit, Sherlock. And thanks. 'Cause I needed that reminder. ( I love you, Kim! I just didn't need that at that moment...) :-P

Nursing Update

(TMI alert - if you're really not interested in hearing about monthly cycles and other personal feminine "issues" then I REALLY don't suggest reading this post. You've been warned.)

Tonight was the first night that Emma fussed at the breast. I managed to get 8 ounces total out of my 4 pumping sessions at work today. I pump at 7:15, 10:00, 11:30 and 3:00. And tonight she started crying after finishing both sides. After posting about this on my favorite parenting bulletin board (Parenting), I was reminded that supply often dips when you start your first postpartum period. I realized that I've been spotting VERY lightly for about 4 days, and it probably doesn't help that that corresponded with going back to work. I'm really hoping that once AF ("Aunt Flo" for the uninitiated) goes away, my supply will pick back up again.

I'm doing everything else right - eating tons of protein, fruits and veggies, drinking lots of water, exercising moderately, resting when I can... I'm getting a little frustrated since I'm trying so hard and it's just not working. I wasn't able to find fenugreek at the store today, so I'm going to look for that tomorrow, as well as blessed thistle and real oatmeal (not instant) since those apparently all help. I refuse to supplement when I'm home and can nurse Emma, and if it means attaching her to the breast and not letting her unlatch, then that's what it takes.

I will do this. I will last until at least 6 months. I just wish my boobs would work with me here.
How could you refuse that face?

Nursing Update

After two days of stressing over low supply, but pumping 3 times while I was at work, my supply picked up again today. Someone told me that whatever you do to increase your supply you have to do for two days before it will make a difference, and so far she has been right. Emma has been much happier today. Today was a better day at school too. Life is so busy! It's hard to find time to go to the grocery store what with working and two kids, but I'm finding I need more crap, and I'm always distracted when I get there so I forget stuff. I think I've figured out a night time routine, though, and Scott, like the wonderful man he is, has really stepped up and helped out. I'm so lucky. Off to go feed Emma her last session before bed!

A direct quote from the boy: "I can't enjoy myself in the dark when I'm all alone." While I'm hitting myself in the head with a book because I can't get the vaguely dirty connotation of that statement out of my head, it's still a great snapshot of my child's mind. Any NORMAL 3 year old will just say, "Mommy, I'm afraid of the dark." But NO, not my 3 year old. He has to utilize that embarrassingly large vocabulary of his and make me feel GUILTY. For leaving him in the DARK. Because he's so CUTE. Damn kids.

Anyway, so today. Whew. End of a busy weekend. I don't think the ILs have seen this much of us in a long time. We spent all day Saturday at SIL's parents' lake house for Alex's cousin Jazlyn's birthday. (Is it just me, or was there an overabundance of "S"s in that sentence?) Alex got to go in the hot tub and ride in the boat, as well as playing with Jazlyn all day. Emma did what she does. Which is to say, coo, burble, look adorable and be happy. And get passed around to everyone and their mother, which I totally don't mind - I'm feeling a little kid-centric these days and I appreciate being able to hand them off to someone else. We had fun, although the weather didn't cooperate and we didn't get to spend time in the water like we usually do.

Sunday was Emma's blessing, and despite the fact that I break out in hives when entering a church (no, I'm kidding) we survived. Actually, I was just glad the church didn't burn down around me. :-) Alex watched adoringly as his little sister was gathered into the circle of men and given her name. I told him that he had the same special thing happen to him and he just got a huge smile on his face. He was very good and only had one issue - sharing his snack with Jazlyn, which was a recurring theme all weekend. Baby sister makes otherwise good-sharer into grabby and whiny non-sharer. Life with two kids is nothing if not entertaining.
God, I love those toes. What is it about baby toes?

Monday, Labor Day, was Kristy's baby shower. It was nice and small, just Oma, Grandma, Aunt Mary, Kristy, Kristy's mom and me. Jazlyn and Alex stayed with the dads (which is to say, they played video games and watched movies) while the babies (Emma and cousin Matsen) stayed with us at the shower. Mary certainly got creative with the menu - I had feta cheese and hummus for the first time, and tried a frittata, which wasn't bad but could've done without the onions. Emma was cooing and burbling and adorable, as usual.

Nursing update: I've made it 17 weeks and we're still exclusively breastfeeding! I start back to work tomorrow with our nuts and bolts staff meeting and an ice cream social, so I'll have to start pumping. I'm worried that this will mean the end of nursing, since I generally don't handle stress well. I'm enjoying it so much that I don't want to give it up - it's my time with my baby girl that has really strengthened the bond I have with her. I'm planning on doing a weekly nursing update to keep track of how things are going. Right now we're nursing 6 times a day at least, usually on a 6-9-12-3-6-9 schedule, and she's sleeping from 9 to 6 at night. Couldn't ask for a better baby.

And that's about it. I'll blog tomorrow about the parents I meet at the ice cream social, if any show up. I usually get 3 or 4, so we'll see. Wish me luck!