The intricate analysis of death, as told by a 4 year old

Last night Scott tells me, "If I end up going to my parents' this weekend, it would probably be best if Alex doesn't go." Apparently their dog Buddy is on his last legs. Scott didn't know exactly what was wrong, but Buddy has had a lot of urinary tract issues lately and he has lost a LOT of weight very quickly, which we all know doesn't bode well. Apparently they're thinking of putting him down very soon. So Scott, in his wonderfulness, thinking about our son and his gentle innocence, gently suggests that we should probably wait until after Buddy is gone before subjecting Alex to seeing him as he is right now. Which I agree with.

However, Alex has already dealt with death, and very well, I might add. Last year, just before Emma came along, my class pet guinea pig Snowflake died. It was an older guinea pig and it was just his time, but he died at school so Alex didn't witness any of the stuff that goes along with a pet dying. It wasn't really his pet anyway; I'd had Snowflake since I was pregnant with Alex and he spent most of his time at school with my kids.

But after Snowflake died, Alex knew he wasn't going to be coming home during breaks anymore, and that was about all I told him. I thought he was too young to understand much more. Not long after that, last summer, I decided to get Alex a hamster. This was going to be Alex's pet, not my class pet, and Alex got to help pick him out and named him George.

Unfortunately, George didn't last long. Most of the hamsters I've had (and I've had many) have lived at least 3 years, but George must have had something wrong with him from the beginning, because he never really ate anything. Or drank anything. He was a very sweet hamster, but the poor thing starved himself to death within 3 months. This was after offering fruits, veggies, changing his food several times, offering a water dish instead of bottle, etc. He didn't make it, and one morning when Alex and I sat down to clean his cage, he was gone.

Alex saw George lying there very stiff, and I decided very quickly what to do. I picked George up, gently stroked his fur, and asked Alex if he remembered what happened to Snowflake. He said that Snowflake wasn't coming home to visit us anymore because he died. So I told him that George had gotten sick and died too, and because of that we weren't going to be able to play with him anymore. I let him pet George and find a shoebox to put him in, and then we went about our day. (Later I properly disposed of him, but Alex didn't see that.)

I don't remember when Alex and I had this conversation, but I think it was while we were talking about what had happened to George. Anyone who knows me knows my religious views, and being that I am an atheist, I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. It would be rather hypocritical to explain to my son that his hamster went away to Heaven when I don't believe there is a Heaven. Telling him that would also have been the easy way out and would have avoided a tough conversation that I think benefitted Alex in the long run (evidence of which you'll read in a minute). I also think that if Scott or anyone else wants to explain the Heaven thing to him, they're welcome to, but I was the one talking to Alex at the time, and Scott was still asleep. So this is what I told him (and it's not verbatim, but it's pretty close).

"Alex, sometimes when people or animals get very sick or get older, their bodies stop working. And when that happens, they die. That means that we can't play with them or spend time with them anymore because their bodies stopped working. And when they die, we bury them in the ground so that they can help other things to live. Their bodies break down and help give nutrients to the ground so that good things can grow. Do you remember the Circle of Life in the Lion King? How when the lions die, they become the grass? And the antelope eat the grass, which makes them strong. So when something dies, and we bury it, it helps other things to grow."

My little sponge of a son took this in and accepted it, over 6 months ago, and today I wondered if he remembered it. I decided to tell him that Buddy is very sick and might not be at Grandma and Grandpa's house the next time we go there. So I asked him if he remembered what happened to George. He immediately looked over at Hannah's cage (Hannah is the new hamster) and asked, "Did Hannah die?" Since she was happily gnawing on the cage wires he looked back at me, satisfied, and said this, and I quote:

"George got sick and died and got buried and turned into better food for flowers cause his bones came apart and he came apart."

Very matter-of-fact, very calm, just telling it like it is. He wasn't upset about it, I think he latched onto the flowers thing and that made him happy about it. I think the "bones came apart" thing came from me saying that bodies "break down." Which is pretty cool, actually, coming from a 4 year old.

So I explained to him about Buddy, how he was sick, and he said just about the cutest thing I've ever heard. (You know, aside from the "makeup on my lips" thing.)

"If he's allergic to something or got the flu or something we can give him some get-a-life medicine."

I don't make this stuff up, folks.

Anyway, long story long, after he said that we went off to read stories and he hasn't said anything else about it. I imagine he'll be sad when he finds out that Buddy's gone (whenever that happens) but he did pretty well with it before. So we'll see. I'm just constantly amazed by what he can take in, analyze and articulate. It's one of those things where I just want to parade him around in public, pointing at him and going, "Yup. That's MY son. You can't have him, he's MINE."