Mrs. Right (all the time)

You'd think that with me being a teacher, I would be full of wonderful educational ideas to impose on my adoring children during my summer break - yeah, I'd really rather run my foot through a meat grinder.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching them learn. Reading books and discussing new vocabulary with Alex? Definitely. Giving Emma new containers and banging implements and watching her create her own little percussion section? Absolutely. Forcing Alex to sit down (FOR FIVE MINUTES, MY GOD KID, JUST SIT STILL)? Not so much. He has decided that he WILL NOT be taught by me unless it involves a situation wherein he is bound by necessity to sit still (IN THE CAR! This works IN THE CAR!) and ONLY involves verbal discourse. An example of the times it works:

Me: Alex, do you know what 'persevere' means? It means, 'don't give up.' What does persevere mean?
A: Don't give up.
Me: Good! Now if it's really hard to get your homework done, but you keep working and trying and finally get it done, what did you do?
A: Persevered.
Me: Great! If you worked really hard to get your room clean and didn't give up, what did you do?
A: Persevered.
Me: And what does persevere mean?
A: Don't give up.

Now this may sound like a pretty big word for a 4 year old, but the thing is, this 4 year old has a pretty big brain. Which is why the fact that he won't let me drill and practice with him is so annoying. So I have to let my car be my classroom. Teaching him on the run. We look out the windows, we talk about what we see. We have vocabulary discussions and he actually uses the words we talk about in conversation later. I don't bother with words shorter 8 letters, on average, because he already has a big vocabulary. He's 4 and he uses words like persevere, for god's sake. BUT HE CAN'T TELL ME WHAT THE LETTER "L" LOOKS LIKE.

Part of my problem with teaching Alex is my competition gene - I hear parents of 3 year olds saying, "She knows all her letters!" And I shrivel inside. Because Alex still calls letters numbers and numbers letters. Now, my rational brain KNOWS that kids don't even need to know the names and sounds of letters until the END of kindergarten, and he has another whole year before he'll even START kindergarten. Plus he's a boy, plus he's verbally advanced not only for a boy, but also for his age (his verbal skills have always been ahead of the curve, even ahead of girls his age when girls develop verbally sooner). Crazy as it is, this isn't enough for me - I've got to drive myself crazy with the fact that he doesn't know his letters yet! And I know, I know, "Kids all develop at their own pace, don't push, he'll get there on his own..." blah blah, I KNOW THIS. The thing is, the kid DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO PUSH.

There is nothing more annoying than being thwarted by a 4 year old.

I know that pushing him accomplishes nothing - he's too much like me, the stubborn little snot. If I sit at the table to have him do a workbook page, he'll finish a third of it and start whining to go outside. (Yeah, that whole perseverance concept apparently was lost on him.) And if I try to get him to finish, he shuts down, whines, gets angry - even when I let him stand up to work (a classic tactic, especially for young kids and ADHD learners). And some parents out there are like, "I would MAKE the kid finish! What are you teaching him by letting him leave it unfinished?" Well, in this case, I'm teaching him a hatred for seatwork. Which is really what his future teachers are going to LOVE me for, am I right?

And the only reason I'm sitting here ranting about it is because I KNOW I have to actually let this go, because he's too smart to NOT figure it out on his own - but that means I'm not in control. And we all know how much Marci LOVES being out of control!

And don't even get me started on Emma, who won't even let me finish 2 pages of a book before she pulls it out of my hands. I have to read to her while she's bouncing around her room, hoping the love of reading will soak in by osmosis or something. Don't get me wrong, she LOVES books - but again, that stubborn independent streak - she will sit for 10 minutes flipping through books on her own, looking at the pictures, talking to the characters - but the minute I try to read a book aloud, she's got to get it out of my hands so she can look at the pictures.

I remember being pregnant with Alex and thinking, "Oh, how much fun we'll have, sitting at the kitchen table, tracing letters, doing flashcards, coloring the right number of bananas..." It's amazing how actual parenthood completely dispels your illusions of what parenthood SHOULD be. And truthfully, part of me is just feeling guilty that I can't do with my kids what my mom did with me and my brother - teach us herself and have us both reading before kindergarten. Granted, I wouldn't want to be a SAHM like she was - I'd go batshit in a month. Summer vacation drives me nuts, expecially now with two kids - I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by needs that need to be met, and my own needs (mostly for alone time and adult interaction/communication) are NOT being met. I'm truly a bitch in the summer, and it's not just the heat (but my GOD, how I hate the heat).

Anyway, it really just boils down to these things:
1. I'm a control freak.
2. I want my kids to be ahead of the curve so I look good as a parent. (Wow, it's hard to actually admit that. And I know not only is that wrong, it's also an indicator that I need therapy.)
3. I have to let go and let my kids be their own wonderful selves and learn at their own pace.
4. Where do I draw the line between letting them be themselves and letting them get away with stuff? Where is that dividing line that says, "Right here is where you have put in the right amount of effort, but this is too much?" When do I stop letting Alex get up from the table and MAKE him finish that workbook page? When do I MAKE Emma sit and read a book with me?
5. I can't MAKE my kids do anything, not without threats - and I try hard not to be a dictator. We try really hard to parent without threats - it's about choices, their own choices, and the consequences that result from those choices. But how, as a parent, do you know which choices are the right ones for YOU to make?

This is the ultimate dilemma and catch 22 of parenting. I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made, but in the process of trying to avoid those mistakes, I'm going to make others that will screw with my kids' heads. And knowing that, I'll STILL make them. Because there is no black and white with parenting. There is no definitive manual, despite what all those publishing companies would have you believe. There is no real right or wrong, because what is right for you not only is wrong for someone else, but they will very publicly judge and berate you for it. Choose to let your baby cry it out when they won't go to sleep without screaming? You're a horrible person who doesn't care about your child and her need for comfort. Choose to go to work instead of staying home? You're selfish. Choose to formula feed instead of breastfeeding? You're lazy.

And people still want to become parents? It's really a good thing I didn't learn all this until AFTER I started having kids. Or maybe I did know this stuff then - but I chose to ignore it and live in my unicorns and rainbows fantasy (in which my kids actually sit at the table and color with me).

The truth is, one thing that parenting has taught me is that I'm always wrong. And for someone who has based her own self-worth on being right most of the time, that gets downright depressing. My god, how I love those adorable little creatures, but my god, do they constantly have to make me question every single thing I do, say or think?

Yeah. That is THEIR job.

At least they're doing it well. Maybe I can take credit for that.

I could be wrong.