Pondering

My new ads section has posted 4 ads on breastfeeding already. Dammit, Matt, you were right - I DO talk about my boobs too much.

Love This!

In a nod to my favorite blogger's genius, I decided I'm going to do a few short blurby posts every once in awhile titled: "Pondering," "Piss Me Off, Why Don't You," and "Love This!" (imagine it said in a squeaky, high pitched tone). I fully admit that I'm ripping off Dooce here, but I love her and would kiss her feet for all the laughs she's given me since Scott introduced me to her a couple of years ago. So go to her site. She actually makes a living doing this bloggy thing.

I now crown myself MOTY

First words out of Alex's mouth this morning: "Morning, Mom! Can I have my cookie with breakfast?"

An aside, for the moment: I have now figured out a way to get Alex to behave like a normal kid when we go out to dinner. I would suggest drugging him, but that might be illegal. Although I might want to check on that... Anyway, so yesterday my parents kidnapped him and took him to the play area at the BX on base, and we met up with them at the mall where he got to wander around for another almost-two-hours before we met up with our friends Scott and Becky for dinner. Midway through dinner I looked at Alex and realized that I had had almost 20 minutes of straight actual honest-to-god listening to conversation, without having to correct, admonish, remind, ask to sit down, or any other constant nagging of Alex. And I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with my kid, what did somebody slip into his corndog and can I please get some more of that?

So I grabbed the little snot, gave him a big hug and a kiss, and over his head mouthed to Scott, "What's wrong with him?" The magic formula? ALL DAY EXERCISE AND NO NAP. It can be done! We CAN tire him out! Holy shit, it's only taken us four years to figure it out, but it CAN be done! Unfortunately it's about as good for him as those aforementioned drugs. Dammit.

So back to the cookie. See, last night at dinner, he wanted dessert. He was so quiet and good at dinner, I wanted to stuff sugar down his throat to reward him for it. However, I do have my limits - I didn't want to get dessert because their desserts are huge, and much more sugar than my overtired four-year-old needed in his system at that moment. So I told him we'd get something on the way home. Thinking we'd stop by DQ for a little mini cup of ice cream. But then I realized, NO, DQ is closed for remodeling. So after we got home and I had forgotten about it, he reminded me (after brushing his teeth) that I had promised him dessert. My solution? Because I often forget that my son remembers EVERYTHING (especially involving food)? I told him he could have a cookie with breakfast in the morning. Thinking he would forget. You see how well that worked out for me.

Oh, and then! This morning he went back to preschool for the first time in two weeks. (Mommy was ready for a BREAK. SO NOT CUT OUT FOR STAYING HOME.) And I thought, he hasn't had McDonald's in forever, so I'll get him a special treat for breakfast. Mind you, fast food for Alex involves one item, usually a burger, that's unhealthy, and milk and fruit. My little healthy eater, after I told him we were going to McDonald's, says, "Remember, Mom, I love fruit salads. Don't forget my fruit salad."

He made up for the cookie. :-)

Update

Just for you, Matt, more on my boobs!

So I've been nursing Emma every 2-4 hours for the past week and giving her a 4 ounce bottle about every other session. She's already getting chunkier, and is still happy as ever. Supply is up a little, but not much. Got an email back from a La Leche League leader, and I'll be calling her tomorrow.

I'm exhausted after 24 hours with my sister-in-law and her two kids. I offered to take the three of them to dinner last night with me, Alex and Emma, and wow - I can't imagine doing that alone - women who want more than two kids are crazy. I say that as lovingly as possible, but seriously - CRAZY. And it really wasn't the babies who were nuts, it was the 3 and 4 year olds. I think Kristy and I got two words in to each other, the rest were telling the kids to knock it off or making sure to feed them something.

And Alex? I don't know who invaded his head the past 24 hours, but he was a little snot. I think the jealous sibling attitude is finally hitting him - and he took it out on Jazlyn. Unfortunately, they both have the firstborn, strong-willed child personality and they try to boss each other around, and Alex is having a hard time remembering to use his words before smacking or kicking. I think 2 weeks of unstructured Mommy time (he hasn't been in daycare because of the snow, the holidays, and this trip) has made him excited to get back to school. (Shh...I know I'm ready to get him back there too!)

Anyway, I'm exhausted and I know for a fact that I'm not having any more kids. 2 is perfect. One for each hand, one for each parent. Now if I could just convince Scott...

Wow, can this kid EAT

Maybe it's because the poor thing has been starving for a month now, or because I have so little milk for her, but since Monday I've been nursing Emma every 2-3 hours AND offering her a 4 ounce bottle afterward - and she takes it all, without spitting anything up. Add that to the occasional solids I've been giving her and the kid is flippin' ravenous. Now I'm worried that she's getting too much, instead of too little.

I've been having other people feed Emma her bottle, since I don't want her to think she gets anything but breast from me. So I asked Scott's aunt on Christmas Eve to feed her. While we were talking, she said, "Oh, I loved breastfeeding so much. It was the easiest thing in the world."

Seriously? Granted, she didn't know of all my difficulties. All I could think to say was, "Oh, this has NOT been easy. By any stretch."

Scott asked me last night what I think is wrong. Honestly, it could be one of a million things - I'm not eating enough calories, I'm getting enough calories but not enough of the right things, I'm stressing too much about it, I'm not resting enough, not getting enough exercise... I wish I knew. The only thing I can do is attempt to address all of those issues the way I have been. Which hasn't been working.

Gah. I'm contemplating talking to the lactation nazis about it, but I imagine they won't tell me anything I don't know.

Anyway, Christmas posts coming soon - our camera has been acting up and won't upload the pics to the computer so it might be a little while. Hope everyone had a merry Christmas!

Current mood: depressed

So at the doc today I found out Emma's weight. 14 lb 14 oz. Two ounces LIGHTER than her last weight a MONTH ago. You know, I could be wrong, but I thought that babies were supposed to get HEAVIER with time.

So if my struggle with breastfeeding over the past 7 months hasn't been evidence enough, the fact that she's actually LOSING weight tells me it's time to do something else. Which, let me tell ya, is heartbreaking. I thought it was WORKING, people. I thought my boobs WORKED, for chrissake. I thought my beautiful, happy, smiley baby was getting all she needed. She's been getting solid foods lately too - cereal, veggies, fruits, Cheerios, Gerber puffs - we even started yogurt a few weeks ago.

I don't know what to do at this point. I've worked my ass off trying to get this nursing thing to work for so long now that it would be pointless to quit, but I know that if I start supplementing it'll screw with my supply even more.

But honestly, I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm tired of taking 20 pills a day of vitamins, calcium, fenugreek and blessed thistle just to find out that I'm depriving my precious baby girl of what she needs. I'm tired of Scott thinking I stink because the fenugreek comes out your pores (it smells like licorice, which he apparently hates). I'm tired of the stupid nursing bras and restricted clothing choices. I'm tired of having to eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast to make sure I'm getting my protein (although I'm sure my cholesterol levels are better now). I'm tired of worrying that if I skip one feeding for a goddamned date night that my supply will drop and I'll have to add two pumping sessions a day for the next week to make up for it. I'm tired of pumping 3 times a day at work and not even getting enough milk for one (yeah, ONE) 4 ounce bottle. (Side note - everyone told me, and everything I read said, that you can't ever get out as much with a pump as the baby can get out. In other words, I shouldn't worry that I'm lucky if I pump an ounce and a half each session - baby's getting more than that. Riiiight.) Bottom line - I'm just fucking tired.

Will I keep doing it? Damn right I will. I'm not going to stop until my boobs decide otherwise, or I reach one year, whichever comes first. I just need to decide if I want to spend the next two weeks power-nursing - feeding her once every hour and hoping that works to increase my supply - or just say fuck it and start giving her a bottle after each feeding.

I'm leaning towards the fuck-it side of things.

I don't know. We'll see. I just want to do what's best for Emma, because obviously whatever I've been doing isn't. And I don't know what else to try anymore. And I'm tired of trying.

Go Emma!

So yesterday Emma had a big day - she started clapping, high-fiving and saying "ba-ba-ba" and "va-va-va" all in one day! So far she's pretty much only managed high-pitched squeals and the occasional "ma-ma-ma" (which, since it usually only happens when I'm out of the room, has my mom convinced she actually knows what it means).

I also think the poor thing has a UTI - we took her to the doc today, despite the snow. But she's awfully freakin' happy despite any discomfort - now that she has discovered a volume other than "deafening" to her voice, she is talking constantly and varying tone and level. I asked her to high-five me last night and I swear she said "ai-aive." :-)

I'll have more pics of Emma and more pics of SNOW! very soon.